How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
