why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
