dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
