Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
But i did once see a show where a women was homeless and installed a stove in a school bus so she and her baby could live there since all the seats were taken out. As far as being homeless goes it didn't look half bad...So this is me promising to you that if i ever am living in an abandoned school bus...i will at least pimp it out with a stove so you can come over for dinner sometimes
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
