His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
