Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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