I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
