That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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