my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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