I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
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