two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
