Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
