Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
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