i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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