it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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