do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Randomize
