If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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