my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Let's paint friendship bongs
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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