my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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