i permit you to call me
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I yelled at your uterus for you.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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