She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
