I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
