I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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