also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
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