dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
All the doctor said was why
Randomize
