nut hugger
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
