im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
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