Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
