so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
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