Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
