someone threw a dead crab at me
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
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