It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
