hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
