she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
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