I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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