i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
