I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
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