butt plug
anus plug
rubbish cock?
yes
you suck at this game today
yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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