the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Randomize
