hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
