Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
