You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
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