you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
