i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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