At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
