why am i having a flashback about somewhere we were this weekend with music videos playing? Spike jonze brothers place?? Help me out
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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