the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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