My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
