i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
