oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
