I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Randomize
