my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
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